Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
And my own personal favorite.............If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?????
all the best Gonzales
Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'
Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fckin' beautiful'.
Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?
Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own fckin' business
Janet: "Look at this in the local paper. Theese bloody kids again. Up the park takin' God knows what for a high."
Dave: "What's new about that, then?"
Janet: "Two kids were caught by the police last week. One was drinking battery acid and the other stupid twit ate some freakin' gunpowder in our park!!
Dave: Ah! Heard about that one. They charged one and let the other one off, didn't they!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went
behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it
well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows
them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't
know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse
me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.'
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